My personal believe about anti-depressents is that they postpone pain, they do not cure it. When you lose someone you love, you are supposed to feel sad, you are supposed to feel miserable and angry and horrible. That is what it is to be human. If we avoid feeling, then we have put our life on pause, and we cannot move on until we allow ourselves to go through the process.

You have a girlfriend who loves you, who is there for you. You have talents that are evident even to completel strangers who have never seen you face to face.

I have read some of your older posts on this blog, when you were travelling, and they had a very joyful tone. Maybe it’s time to hit the road again for a while.

Bring the girl with you.

Once again, I can relate to so much of your overall state of malaise, and I understand your inability to connect the dots.

I think that one of the biggest misconceptions (among the average unaffected person) is that depression means you’re always down in the dumps or feeling blue. Unfortunately, it’s more a case of feeling nothing at all, and that’s so much worse.

Losing interest in your own life and feeling apathetic about things you once cared about is far more debilitating than it may sound on the surface. Although you wouldn’t think so unless you’re there, being empty hurts worse than actual pain sometimes.

In your case, you naturally miss your mother terribly, and the pain of her loss is very normal and understandible. If I’m reading you correctly, it sounds like you’re now feeling guilty because even that pain has been numbed. Obviously, that’s the insideous disease speaking, since you love your mother as much as ever and will always hold her close and cherish every loving memory. Depression is trying its best to rob you of emotion.

That’s what I was trying to say when I spoke before of my experiences with Welbutrin and other anti-depressants. They didn’t seem to do anything except numb me even more, so since I saw absolutely no improvement, I stopped them altogether.

I wish I had a magic answer for you, but I don’t. All Ican do is to tell you to realize that, for whatever reason, this damned disease has you under its spell for now, but that you will break free. Keep trying alternative treatments, and hold your network of loving friends and family close. Those who love you will have patience and wait for you.

In the meantime, please know that you’re doing nothing wrong. Just because your mother might not always be in the forefront of your head doesn’t mean that she’s not there in your heart. Banish all thoughts of guilt, and concentrate on regaining your balance.