Yesterday I went to see an adolescent health specialist. My reason for visiting was a recent self-diagnosis of adult attention deficit disorder (otherwise known as ADD). When I say self diagnosis, I mean it exactly how it sounds. I read a few books on the topic, did a few self-evaluations, and realized that I had the disorder.
Many people, including me until this year, pass ADD off as an imaginary thing.
“People just have their personalities.” They’ll say, and in many cases I think they might be right.
But there is still something to be said for having a name for something. A way to identify those with the same traits you have, so as to hunt down and share different techniques, philosophies, and coping methods for your particular way of interacting with the world.
Many others, and this group includes me, believe that ADD is a generational phenomenon. I believe this is true. As our culture becomes faster and more choppy, why does it not make sense that our attention spans would follow suit? With prescription pain-killers, sleep-aids, and high-dose caffeinated energy drinks, is it really crazy to think our brain chemistry might have changed a little bit? To me, it all makes a good bit of sense. Combine these things with a torrent of radioactivity and radiation hitting us from every corner of our homes and streets, and the concept of ADD seems almost rational.
I talked with the specialist yesterday, and as predicted, he told me I had many characteristics of the typical adult with ADD. It was when I told him about my recent experience with my mom and her death that the gears shifted slightly. According to him, anxiety plays a big role within the ability to focus and concentrate, as well as depression. As we ended the session, he prescribed a drug called Welbutrin. You may have heard of it, and yes, it is an anti-depressant.
It has many other uses, however, and according to my research it is frequently used with patients experiencing a large amount of anxiety, depression, and lack of concentration and ability to focus. It has been found very useful with ADD patients.
So, today I took my first full dosage. I took it on an empty stomach, but did not feel the drug kicking in until I left my sketching class to take the subway home. As I paced on the platform, I felt a heightening sense of hyper-focus. Having never actually had the ability to do things like stay alert in class, fully do homework assignments, or listen completely during a conversation, these newfound abilities are blowing my mind. I came home and literally cleared out my entire inbox, responding to each email linearly as I went. I then proceeded to finish every homework assignment I have due until the end of the semester.
People often say that it is my intelligence that saves me from failing with my incredibly poor study habits. And as I felt the full power of my brain, blood surging to my frontal cortex in a way it never has, I felt fully alive, like I was fully able to reach my potential. I was even able to sit with Chanterelle and actually completely focus on her, rather than what was going on around me. It was incredible. And I wondered, is this how the typical person feels? Could they really all write a book, or finish their homework, or sit on their couch and be completely present for a conversation? Or am I in some heightened state of focus that is sure to run out as soon as I build a resistance to the drug? Am I experiencing some strange, useful high?
Only time will tell.
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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
Slight bit of evidence you may not be in a state of hyperfocus- ADD is not “Adult Attention Disorder”. There is a slight yet indefinable change in the rest of your prose though. Not sure quite what.
Thanks for the correction, a couple of people mentioned it
I noticed a change as well in the way my writing sounded when I read it over. It seems as I become more focused and efficient, my capacity for creativity diminishes. I can see a need to work with the pills and make sure I am not at a high dose point when I write my daily blog.
Do you have any insights into the changes in my writing? I’d like to isolate them as the effects of this drug are fascinating to me.
Also, I’m curious what adult attention disorder is now
I guess I pay too much attention to adults?
This makes me understand what you were trying to say yesterday much better. I really do wonder how diffrent it really is from person to person. Cant wait to find out what happens lol : D
Christian,
I’m glad you’re liking the Welbutrin so far, and hopefully, you’ll continue to find that it does what you want it to.
Beware, however, of one of the most annoying side-effects: your libido dries up and blows away, and your body becomes so numb that, even if you can somehow rouse up the desire for some sexual activity, you can’t follow through on it.
It’s bad enough that the desire and urge are gone, but so is the ability to orgasm. Nothing works. It’s like your nerve-endings have lost all sensation.
It’s a hell of a trade-off, isn’t it?
It’s strange to hear you say that, as every report I’ve heard about Welbutrin has reported that it is the only anti-depressant that does not affect the sex drive (as mentioned here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bupropion), is this not correct?
I’d like to hear more about your experiences Bryn. And how did you find my blog?
This isn’t a spam link :p, it’s relevant I swear!
http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/print/200912/dobbs-orchid-gene
Christian,
I know that one of Welbutrin’s main claims to fame is the fact that it isn’t supposed to wreak havoc on your sex life as so many of the other anti-depressants do. There are those who also feel it has an added ability to work on addictions like smoking.
Over a span of a few years, I had been prescribed Paxil, Zoloft and Prozac. Oh, let me throw in that my basic problem is depression, and I don’t have any addictions. I’m not suicidal, and I’m not always in some deep, dark funk where all is black. Rather, I had simply lost interest in things that I used to enjoy, and it was as if I had become something of a casual observer on my own life. While that may not sound like a big deal on the surface, I’m here to tell you that it’s debilitating as all hell.
Even though boredom and complacency threatened to blot me out, I finally got it together to see a shrink. Actually, I ended up going through three of them, which seems to be par for the course. (Who knew?) I never asked for miracles; I just wanted to be myself again. My old life, while nothing exceptional, was mine, and I wanted it back.
Each of the docs was quick to prescribe drugs, and I was willing to give it a shot. I swear to you that I went into it with an open mind and a hopeful attitude, and I was actually quite proud of myself for taking the step in the first place, since my depression was trying to lull me into a place where it would have been easier to ignore everything.
My experiences talking to the various docs was fairly similar, especially since I don’t have any traumatic secret buried in my background, so they didn’t have a tough nut to crack in the first place. Generally, we chatted about this and that, and the best part of it was having a person with whom I could be 100% honest and open. Yes, I’m honest anyway, but in many respects it’s easier to talk to a total stranger where there’s no personal background or baggage to interfere. Plus, unlike real life, in therapy, you’re allowed to be selfish. We’re here to fix me…me…me! It’s all about me! I don’t have to factor in anyone else’s feelings, because it’s all me, all the time!
Anyway, my first reaction to each drug was that I still had no interest in my life. I felt no happier. Nothing felt any different inside, emotionally. Since I wasn’t having an immediate miracle cure, the docs played around with my dosages.
By this point, in addition to feeling apathetic in general, I noticed that my sex drive had vanished. I still had emotional, romantic feelings towards my boyfriend, but I had no physical desires AT ALL! This was very unlike me, because prior to my taking the drugs, we had an extremely active and exciting sex life. Seriously, our friends joked about us and called us perverts (lovingly, of course), because we were far more “out there” than most. We both enjoyed starring in own little porn features, and we’d had several threesomes in our day. We did the Little Beach thing, and sometimes played (safely) with strangers. We were vocal, in and out of the bedroom, and enjoyed role-playing and talking dirty and teasing each other. He and I shared the opinion that basically anything was cool, as long as all the parties were happy about it. We were both really into sex, and loved getting down and dirty and nasty with each other. My point is, sex was important to me.
But, suddenly, I had zero desire. None. Obviously, I still loved him, and just as obviously, I still wanted to express that sexually. Unfortunately, it was a disaster. We’re honest enough that I didn’t want to fake it with him, and he knows my body well enough that he could tell I was not really enjoying anything. Yes, I still enjoyed pleasing him, the same as I always had, because I still loved him just as much. (Maybe even more, because he put up with my fucked-up self all these years!) Mentally, though, I just wasn’t into it.
Even worse, in addition to my libido being dead, my body was numb, too. I’ve always been easily aroused and multi-orgasmic. Honestly, I took it for granted, but some of the men in my life have told me that I’m far more receptive than many women, so I suppose I’m fortunate. Regardless, on the first three meds, my nerve endings were numb. He could use all his little tricks and skills, but nothing worked. I felt nothing. Even worse, after a little time, not only did the normal stuff not feel good, but it became annoying! Ordinarily, I love oral sex, and he’s a master, but on the drugs, his tongue became an irritating movement that I just wanted to stop. Normally, there’s nothing I love more than a good hard pounding, but on the drugs, I didn’t get wet, so not only didn’t it feel great; it hurt. We both enjoy anal sex, but that’s always a little more involved, and on the drugs, it proved to be impossible. I wasn’t into it mentally or physically, and the whole concept of sex was starting to annoy me.
Not good!
That’s actually the reason my last shrink switched me to the Welbutrin. I hated the fact that I was being turned into an asexual person, and I refused to give up without a fight. (Since I’ve had the depression, my everyday life might not be what it was, but I still had a good sex life, and I was damned if I’d lose that, too!)
Unfortunately, my libido didn’t return with a vengeance. I may have had a little more interest than I had with the other drugs, but it was certainly noting phenomenal. My nerves were still pretty dead. My boyfriend and I even tried little experiments- – -In the old days, he liked to watch me masturbate while he talked to me and told me what a nasty little girl I was, etc. (Yes, it’s a silly game, but we like it, and that’s what counts, right?) Before, I’d barely get started and put hand (or vibrator..or dildo) to flesh before I’d be coming loudly. On the drugs, I could rub until my hand fell off, and the only thing that happened was that I got sore. There was no feeling. He could touch me, rub me, lick me, suck me. Whatever. Same thing. All the spots that were supposed to get hard (on me) didn’t. Nothing get wet. Nothing did anything. I was just a big numb blob of flesh.
It was horrible, and we were both losing our minds. The doc was clueless, and tried to say that Welbutrin was the best choice, so he was not inclined to try another type. He tried to tell me to come up with other (non-physical) ways to express my love for my boyfriend. Uh, no. Sorry. That wasn’t a viable option for either of us.
Eventually, I just said the hell with it, and weaned myself off of all the drugs completely. Seriously, I can’t say that I actually felt much of a positive effect anyway, and the negative aspects were so severe that they would have probably outweighed any good ones, even if they had been there.
After a few weeks, I started feeling sexual again, and even better, once we’d start to play, my body worked. At first, we were both sort of scared and tentative, as if we expected it to go away again, but it never did. Eventually, we were back up to speed and today, our sex life is as exciting and hot as it ever was. Maybe, it’s even better, because like anything else, you tend to appreciate something more when you’ve been threatened with losing it.
Granted, I’m still suffering with depression, and I’m not saying that life is suddenly perfect, but at least my boyfriend and I can have fun again. I loved him already, but he was so patient and understanding throughout the drug struggles that I think it made me love him even more.
I guess it all comes down to a trade-off. I’d never say that sex is the most important thing in the world, and if there was some compelling reason why you’d have to do without, so be it. However, taking a drug for something unrelated should not be allowed to wreak havoc on such an integral part of one’s existence.
My choice is to do without the drugs. Hopefully, your choice will work for you!
By the way, I have no idea how I stumbled upon your blog- – the mysteries of the Internet, eh?- – but I do enjoy reading about your experiences. I go to Maui every year, so I was probably doing something Maui-related and found you, but I really have no idea!
Aloha…