0% APR emotional financing for four months. That’s the offer I was given, and now I’m having to pay for it.
I, and everybody else around thought I was handling my mother’s death quite well until the memorial this weekend. Now its hit me over the head. Flying back to Maui put me back into memories. Being with family, especially yesterday, on my birthday, has created an outpouring of grief. And right now, right this very moment, its time to pay my dues.
Yesterday was truly wonderful. It was no accident that my birthday coincided so closely with my mom’s memorial. As with many of these recent events, I am sure it happened that way so that I could learn something. A lesson that will serve me for the rest of my life. But right now I’m still listening to the lecture, and I haven’t even gotten to midterms yet.
I have had so many celebrations of my birthday already, and they aren’t going to stop anytime soon. I have more celebrations later this week, enjoying the company of new friends, and going to see my favorite Broadway show, Rent, with Chanterelle. These things are wonderful. But the fact that its my birthday really hits home the fact hard that exactly one year ago, I was walking through Oxford, England with my Mom.
On a less abstract note, the flight yesterday went well. I got the chance to start on a new writing project, which I hope will help me to deal with these emotions I now have to pay, plus interest. As Chanterelle and I were getting off the plane I said to her “I wish it would have been a longer flight.”
I don’t know that I’ve ever wished for that.
The wonderful family I have was brought home to me yesterday morning with an indulgently early birthday breakfast at Charley’s restaraunt. Chanterelle’s family came, as well as my godmother Merry and godsister Leah.
Marco, my mom’s boyfriend and lover until her death was there too, bringing Chanterelle and I beautiful scarves made of pure silk from Lake Como.
And finally my dad, who had bought my Canon SLR as an early birthday present when he had visited us in San Francisco, and thus makes possible all of the pictures I post.
Raphael, Chanterelle’s brother took photos of the celebration. It was the best documented birthday parties ever. He did a great job.
My godmother gave me a card she said my mom wanted her to give me on my birthday. It didn’t have any of my mom’s writing, but the card and the inscription were one I had remembered her buying years before. The memory of this, and the realization of my loss broke me. I cried, and felt very thankful for such a wonderful group of support and family.
Even my idealist wish to have ice cream cake was answered as the waitress at Charley’s restaurant brought me some ice-cream mocha mud pie…on the house.
I feel blessed, and depressed. But I know it will end. I know things will get easier and better. I just don’t know when.
Back to school I go. Back to writing. And fighting. And trying to get through situations in which there is no manual or self-help book.
Wish me luck.
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{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
Christian, you are so strong. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I know you can make it through this. You have a huge support system of people who love you all over the world. We are here for you. If you need anything, don’t hesitate to call me. I hope you and Chanterelle are loving school and San Francisco and have a great time at Rent! Happy Belated Birthday!
Love you Christian. Nice to spend time with you and Chanterelle. Thank you for including us in the various activities you were involved in to celebrate your mother’s life and release her to the universal life energy we all share. I feel you. I send you healing, peaceful, open energy to cope with the transformation you are experiencing. Love to you … Read Moreand Chanterelle. Sleep, if you can – I did and it helped me feel a bit better. We got so little sleep this weekend. May relaxation be yours. Love, Viktoria
Keep Breathing (remember to exhale my friend). If it’s any consolation – this delayed reaction makes you PERFECTly normal
Christian, I thank you for the time we spent together and for the respect you showed me, allowing me to help you document your time here. I truly feel as if I have a gained a brother in you as I hope you feel you have in me. I am in complete admiration of your strength through out this extremely emotional time in your life. You are a fighter,… … Read Moreno a champion of the human spirit and I know you will continue to have the strength to push forward in this crucible we call life. Truly you are an inspiration to me and to us all.
P.S. the pics look great Marco mentioned to me that he would like some of them as well just wanted to pass that on.
A gift and a curse…
that’s how it feel at time Christian. This experience it has so many emotional layers, such a gift to have a new family, to have met and received the love from Julie, to have such a beautiful place to call home.
What a curse to not have the love one to share it with.
Hard to make sense of anything in these days, just trying to be present with what is… Makana greeting me at the door, the cats screaming for food, the sound of the water fountains, wind-chime flying in the wind, so many things to be thankful for.
Keep breathing, move your body and be present.
love – marco
Hi Christian I am sure it was a very emotional time in Maui. So many intense feelings that are as beautiful as they are painful.
Great pictures and even better, your writing. It is the best healing you can have. Expressing what is in your heart and soul.
So well said… blessed and depressed!
Keep writing!
Thank you for sharing and taking us with you. Make time to grieve when you need to flex your emotional range, it’s healthy and necessary and it’s OK to do alone if you want.
I know your natural abilities are the seeds that grow into the luck that comes your way… but I’ll say it anyway…Good luck with all you do Christian. It was really nice to spend some time with you and Chanterelle. I love you both. I’m really looking forward to reading your next book!!