I’m sitting at the Oakland airport waiting for my flight to Maui. I’m heading back to “the rock” to deal with the little amount of “stuff” that doesn’t fit in my backpack. I’m heading back to see my girlfriend. Heading back to finalize a long-standing relationship with Maui.
A year ago, I was halfway accross the world in Germany. I thought it would be forever. I never wanted to come back to the US again. And now, I’m excited just to be here. I’m excited to sit in the Oakland airport gazing out the window at the skyline of San Francisco, knowing I’ll be back sooner than I think. Knowing that I won’t be alone. That Chanterelle will be with me. That we’ll start a life together. Independent, strong, active.
We both can’t wait to change the world.
This morning, as I chatted with my godmother about what was to come, I had a few reflections. Lessons I’ve learned in the past few weeks.
Reflection #1: My passion is not static.
When people I respect and look up to (I call them my personal celebrities) tell me to “follow my passion”, my brain does a backflip and my self-esteem plummets. Follow my passion? Darn. I’m already way behind. I don’t even know what my passion is, let alone how to follow it.
Is it acting? Nope. Got sort of tired of that one. Dance? My knee hurts just thinking about it. How about writing? That works for now, but as I’ve learned, my interests are subject to change.
So for me, passion must be redefined. Passion isn’t a finite, static, ever-constant thing as advertised. Passion is changing, reshaping itself to match my newest knowledge and understanding of the world.
When I told my mom of this realization, she came up with a new way to structure the classic advice. She just removed one word.
Now, I challenge you, rather than “following your passion”. Try simply “following passion”.
Realization #2: My life last year was frighteningly like the musical “Carousel”
Random I know, but I needed a break from pretending I knew what I was talking about.
In the musical Carousel, a young bi-curious American writer travels to Germany and, after much procrastination, gives it all in and parties like a rockstar.
Okay. So I left out some parts, but it is close enough.
Compare this to me one year ago: In Cologne, Germany. Heart broken after relationship went bad. Feeling lonely and lost. Trying to write, failing miserably. Giving up on my “Digital Backpacker” blog after building up a large following along with an awful case of writer’s block. Total inertia.
Solution? Throw in the towel. Throw in my morals.
“Just one club…” I thought to myself one night, after staring blankly at my laptop screen in the hostel common-room. And my path was set.
I’m predisposed to substance abuse. And it quickly got out of hand. I began a vicious cycle. I would routinely wake up with a massive hangover at 1:00pm. I would sidle down to the hostel bar, greet my friends, wearily making plans for the evening.
What would it be tonight? The student club? The gay club? The “posh” club? The latin bar?
That’s when the headaches would start. 2 tylenols. Wash it down with kolsh (a German bear made only in Cologne). Nope. Didn’t do the trick.
Better start drinking.
“Hallo, Ich mochte gerne ein bacardi-cola, bitte”. Rum and coke. My favorite drink. Followed up by jegermeister-vodka.
Four more.
Now I’m feeling good. How did I make it to the club already? I don’t even remember getting on the train. Oh ya, there’s that thumpa-thumpa. That familiar music that’s always different, but, but always seems to sound the same.
Thin, young German bodies gyrating all around me. Rubbing against me. Sweating on me. Feeling me up as we dance. Who is that? A guy or a girl…who cares?
What time is it? I look at my pocket-watch and groan as I realize its already almost 4:00am. It has nothing to do with wanting to get sleep. I don’t want the night to end. I haven’t gotten drunk enough yet!
The music stops, the crowd begins to dissipate. I stumble into the bathroom and pee three gallons of vodka and rum.
Then the rush of air on my face as I step out of the club.
How will I find my way home?
That’s it for now.
The woman behind the desk just called my row for boarding. I need to go. The next time I post, I’ll be back in Maui.
{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }
And I thought you were a homebody… lol..Following Passion… I like that …. Are you sure we are not related or did we just have this conversation in class… haha. May I use and put into application, I like that: following passion. Thanks Christian.