They asked me today whether I would want to move to my godsister’s house. A house where my mother’s cries could not be heard.
I told them no. Good god no.
How could I leave my mother when she never left me? She never once faltered in her mothering. She never failed to show up. She never didn’t have time for me. Now, when her last moments might be upon her, how could I leave her?
Her pain is worsening with every day. She now has to take two pills when she used to take one. Three pillows when it was one. Less movement.
The way we talk, everything seems final. She talks of unfinished business, but I see none. She walks around complete with everyone. She never leaves a relationship at its negative stage. She always resolves things peacefully and with class.
She is a wonderful woman. She has kept me safe, and supported me in the best ways possible for a mother.
I am not afraid that she might die. I know that when she does, I will still be able to talk to her. To check in with her. To feel her presence underneath the noise.
I am sad. To see her in pain and feeling badly about anything is painful for everyone. But I know she will exit with grace, if that is what is to be.
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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Hey love,
My heart goes out to you. Be strong. Be weak. Be whatever comes into your heart. You are amazing and your mother did a wonderful job raising you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Sincerely,
M
Christian,
This is an excerpt from a post sent on Facebook (when I first learned about Julie’s health. I am sharing it again at this time as I believe it is still relevent:
I lost my father when I was 23 (after his second heart attack). He was 62 and we were very close. Within 4 years I lost my only brother to testicular cancer (he was 33) and he taught me to be brave, laugh at the world and was my protector.
My life has been full of tragedy, and yet, I have found people to love me, optimism, laughter and humor in the world we live in and the strength to go on, survive, be constructive and happy with my life
No matter the outcome, be brave and strong for Juile as well as yourself. You are “her world” and she must know that you are strong, loving, caring, generous, compassionate and have what is needed to live the life she has wished and hoped for, hoped you would find and guided you toward.
I’m sorry you must go through this at such a young age, but, what is happening is real and it is your life and you don’t want to miss a second of it lost in misery and despair when you are so vitally needed at this time.
Spend as much time as you can with your mother, talking, sharing, dreaming together, learning what you can from her. You are her “life’s work”; the best of what she is and she must know that you appreciate this. Every moment now is precious now. Be her light…
With love and compassion – we are all with you…
Greg