I feel like blech.
My mother has cancer, and she’s losing her mind before my eyes. She forgets things, and hallucinates events and voices. She is in so much pain. Her voice is hoarse because of the lung-cancer affecting her breathing. It makes me want to cry.
Tonight we talked about her will, the distribution of money if she should die soon. I see such vulnerability and insecurity in her. How would it be to feel so unsure on such a steep cliff?
Sometimes during the day, my heart becomes stony and feels hollow. She cries and I can feel nothing. I feel no emotion, I am numb. Her tears bring me worry, nothing more.
And sometimes, when she laughs, I cry.
She writes down every pill she takes. Hydromorhpone, razapan. The names fly by and past my ears as I try not to think about the chemicals numbing my mother. Drying up her tears, but not her cry.
She asks me what I want my life to be like. How much money do I need to make that a reality? I tell her to think of everyone in her life, that I would be able to make money on my own. And then I feel naive.
I realize that I’m still being supported by my parents. That my meals are never paid for by me. I have lived independantly before, but only because of the savings from working at the television station. From the inflated sallary they paid me.
And then my mother tries to sleep. Sitting up. Lolled into restless unconsciousness by the pills. I lie awake. I feel sore. I fill my ears with podcasts, audiobooks, any voice to scare away the vulnerable thoughts.
1:00am
2:00am
3:00am
I cry myself to sleep.
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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Christian, my dear classmate, words escape the sorrow that I feel for you and your mother. I can only give you a virtual hug and tell you that you are a legacy of what a wonderful mother she must be to raise such a fine person as yourself. I can only admire the braveheart you are. I, too, cry for the both of you. Please please know that you have many around you that are here for you.
It is okay to cry, it is okay to feel those feelings you feel. It is only the human thing to do. I can only believe that her loves and passions have manifested itself in you. Thank you for the wonderful gift of you. Love and Hugs your classmate, JoAnn Espiritu
Dear Christian,
I didn’t realize that your mom was going through this experience. Knowing her as the bright, insightful, kind woman that has helped and continues to be an inspiration to so many of us. I am sorry that you are having to go through this at your age. I know that you have great maturity and wisdom…yet I also know that for a young man to have to watch his mom be in so much physical and emotional pain is unthinkable.
Please know that there is friendship and support for you…from me, from Jerry and chances are…from anyone who participated in Phantom with you all those years ago. Sending you and your beautiful mom love. Aloha, Debra
Aloha e Christian,
Just be there for her. For every moment she has. Cherish them. Do what ever she wants. Serve her fully and completely. Be certain to be there until the end, whenever that may be. She needs you and her family around her to support her and let her go where she needs to go wherever that may be. She is on the journey, she will take the journey, but when the time comes you want to inhale that last breath. You want to feel the soul leave the corpse. You want to witness the transformation when the illness has done what it set out to do and leaves like a thief in the night. You want to celebrate with her all the great things she has been to you. You need to be strong, so she can be. My prayers are with you and she.
Christian –
I feel for you completely. So many people in my life have been faced with the same .. problem, both young and old, both recovering and lost. I wish you the absolute best in this hard time. :\. Be strong. Show her you love her.