Their Hypocricy…
Almost all parents are hypocrites. If you happen to have gotten two people who are completely in touch with themselves, then you should stop reading this and spend time with them while you can.
For the rest of us, hypocrisy is likely to have been a theme since you could understand words.
Dad says “Don’t drink” and downs five beers before bed-time.
Mom says “Be active, play outside” and sits down every evening to watch three-hours of television.
Its not a rare occurrence, and in fact, our society itself is hypocritical. I do not mean any specific society, I mean all of them.
Generally, as children we are urged to use their creativity and then criticized when we color outside the lines.
So how can you deal with it? How can you prevent hypocrisy? The short answer is that you can’t. You must live with it throughout life. The only way to prevent such tendencies in yourself (and thus inspire others including your parents) is to make sure to listen to
your voice at every interval.
Make sure to show people how true you are to yourself. If you believe in something, and your parent does not, show them that it is not their approval you seek but their participation in your life instead.
Their Fears…
In the movie “Taken”, Liam Neeson plays a concerned father who happens to be an ex-FBI agent.
When his seventeen year old daughter wants to go to Paris, he is against it at first. What finally persuades him to allow her to go is his daughter’s agreement to call when she arrives, and every day that she’s there.
This probably seems a little extreme,and it is. It is, however, the perfect example of a parental personality. For me, the definition of a “parental” personality is: Someone who assumes the worst will happen to a specific person they care for, and act from a place of
constant fear.
The parental personality is not limited to parents, oh no. I have seen sisters, aunts, etc. act the same way towards a specific person. I, in fact, have had very “parental” emotions with girls I was romantically involved with in the past. It was not that I thought I was their parent, nor that they would treat me that way. If we had planned to meet, however, and they did not show up for fifteen minutes, without a phone-call I would go berserk. I would assume the worst and end up in tears lamenting her possible traffic accident.
This is not necessarily a good thing. Most parents will argue that they simply cannot help it with their children, and I can believe it. If you had carried someone around inside of you for months and then PAINFULLY extricated them from your body, would you let them go “just like that”?
Unfortunately, as the child “grows up”, this tends to create more problems then it solves.
Once puberty sets in, the genetics of a human being are implicit in their commands to break away from all dependencies and become “your own person”. This begins for most people around thirteen.
Then the worry is materialized in angry rants. If a child looks like he’s “falling behind” in school because their report card isn’t perfect, the parent will begin to assume something else must be taking away his focus. He must be addicted to drugs, or skipping school.
Most of the time, it is simply a lack of focus and, whether justified or not, cannot be helped by the child alone in that stage.
The unfortunate shortcoming of most parents is that they do not articulate their needs effectively and clearly to the child. When the need for communication is not met (whether expressed well or
not) the immediate reaction of the parent is usually to punish by “grounding” the child.
Very often this confuses the child, as they don’t understand why they are being punished, and the begin to make up their own explanations which blow the entire situation out of proportion.
What can you as the offspring do to counteract this unfortunate but necessary natural instinct?
Communicate.
This means, if you are angry at your parent, take a moment to calm down. Look at the situation objectively, and visualize them as a person, not as a tyrant or gatekeeper. Try to understand what underlying emotion (hint: this is often fear) could be behind the words that they are saying.
If you are truly baffled as to what could be driving their words, ask them. Ask them politely and impartially. If you feel they are coming from a place of fear, ask “What are you afraid of? Are you worried that I will be kidnapped?” or, “Are you worried that I might get into drugs if I stay over at their house?”.
These questions may seem absurd, but it is a very common occurrence that what you
mention is precisely their fear, no matter how outlandish. Don’t be afraid to ask.
Trust comes after proving responsibility. In almost any parent/child scenario, this is the case. If you feel you have proven your responsibility and are still not given what you desire (and everyone feels this way), look at the situation from a place of self-reflection and see how you could do better at making them understand YOUR needs.
Becoming Friends…
As a level of trust is established between both parent and child, a bond is formed. This bond is unlike any you have had before. This bond will be the understanding of yourself as an individual (hopefully before you are eighteen years old) and that you value their opinions as you would a close friend.
A mutual understanding must come between you, that you are both peers. The parent then can feel free to advise, and act as a mentor, from a slightly more detached standpoint.
The parent must understand that it is their child’s responsibility now to deal with their own mistakes and suffer their own consequences. The parent must understand that it is their responsibility to step in only if the child has exhausted their own resources.
You as the child, must help them to understand that you are ready to experience and learn from your experiences. You must prove to them that you are conscious and thoughtful, and will not drop from sight completely. Knowing that you are in constant communication with them will help to steady their hearts and ready their minds for the wonderful relationship to come.
If you can both make it through the storm of puberty and individuality, you will both be surprised at the wonderful friendship which can be formed.
